RESPECT COMICS

“Rogan is so awesome. He's afforded me a career, like, so many of our peers owe so much to him. He'll still text us back. It's crazy. Like, I'll text him and then even to book his show, he's like, how does he does it? He doesn't I mean, not to call you. I mean, you have a producer. It's fine to get everybody else that's producers. Rogan is like, hey. How's this day sound?”

“There's like 10,000,000 people that live in the place they told us not to go to. Yeah. They told you, oh, listen. I was like, what the fuck is this massive area here? He's like, yo, don't go there. But 10,000,000 people live there. And I was getting that good lung capacity. What an advantage you you would have if you lived up there, and then you go down to sea level, you could fuck everybody up. Your cardio would be off the charts.”

“I think the story of the flood's a real story because it existed too many cultures. And tsunamis tsunamis fucking happened, dude. And if they happened and you were in that area, you would think it's the end of the world because you don't have contact with people in Europe. You don't have con you know, you don't have contact. So wherever you are is an apocalypse. You think it's the whole world's gone.”

“I had booked this MTV show, and they needed me for three months. I didn't even want to quit. I just wanted to do a leave of absence. I'm like, can I come back after three months? And they're like, no. You can't take that much time off. And then I read that you can only collect unemployment if they fire you. So then I sent an email. I go, I will be leaving on this day, and I plan on returning this day. And then I just left the office. I wouldn't answer their calls or emails. I was just waiting for them to terminate me.”

“Two two kids jumped in the car and just dipped. And you were in your underwear? I was in my underwear. I had a fucking I had to make the police report in underwear. Then why are you in underwear? First off, that was the first question. Why are you in underwear? I said, should I take them off? You want me to take them off?”

“Don't top doctors go missing. Don't top physicists go missing. They go bye bye. The best heart surgeons on Earth, seven of them were on the same fucking plane that went down. The best whatever whatever. They just found the cure for cancer. These 10 doctors, they're on a p j to fucking who the hell knows where, and they go down. It's just crazy that all these top doctors and top thing and physicists and that just like these people just disappear.”

“The Crazy Horse Memorial is a mountain Monument under construction on privately held land in the Black Hills in Custer County, South Dakota. Henry Standing Bear, a Lakota chief, recruited and commissioned Polish American sculptor, Korczak Ziolkowski, to build the Crazy Horse Memorial. In 1939, Henry Standing Bear wrote to the Polish American sculptor who worked on Mount Rushmore. He informed the sculptor, my fellow chiefs and I would like the white man to know that the red man has great heroes too.”

“Mitzi Shore, that lady right there. When if you were coming up, one of the things that she would do is like young comics that she thought of any any promise at all. She'd put them on after monsters. That's your spot. Right on after the killer. Good luck. Good luck, motherfucker. She knew what she was doing. I mean, she's the most important figure in comedy outside of comedians, for sure.”

“That's a world champion. That's how you really become a world champion. You have a blown out knee and you find a way to KO a guy who's this wild, aggressive, awkward dude, you know, and he's coming after you. You got a blown out knee, and you just bink perfect fucking left hook. Torn ACL, they're carting you off the fucking field. Everyone's crying that their career is over in football. This dude's fucking knocking homie out for the for the light heavyweight championship.”

“One time, Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson, they went out together, like, just all they were going out on the town. And Michael had a bunch of chicks with him. Michael Jackson had a bunch of chicks with him. And Tyson was like, hey, which one of these girls is with you just so in case I'm flirting with one or whatever. And Michael Jackson told him, they're all with me. Get your own bitches. That's what he told him.”

“The other day, I fucking I posted a picture of a frog that I AI generated just because I wasn't able to get the frog to do what the fuck I wanted to do in real life. Like, I want the frog holding frog popsicles. He was being difficult, so I had to fucking use another guy. And everyone was blasting me like, yo, not you. Not you. I can't believe you used AI. They were like, yo. You're taking away opportunities from other artists. Well, let me just clear this up. I wouldn't have hired you no matter what because I do all my artwork anyway. There was no job to be taken away.”

“I wonder if they could find knowing what we know now, like, I wonder if they could find, like, a connection between the developers or the ones starting the fires. Because that's what you start to realize in the world. It's like, yeah. If there's a crazy app that comes out that helps solve a problem, the other side of the makers of the app sometimes are they're in conjunction with the people making the problem.”

“What's mind blowing too is these guys that I just thought were titans of comedy and could do no wrong and were blowing my mind to learn as you get older that they were afraid of being fired week to week on SNL. To hear Spade talk about that or Norm would talk about, oh, yeah. We thought we're gonna get or even Sandler. They thought about firing Sandler. That they were having self doubt like that during what I thought was just the pinnacle and peak of comedy.”

“So we we get lunch, you know, before the shows and we park on the outskirts. There's this heavyset guy. He's like, what the fuck? Theo Von? Can I get a picture? You're like, sure thing, man. Just, we're running a little late if you can keep up with us, and we'll get that selfie. So he gets up to you, and the wind just blows his hat off. It blew probably 60 feet. He tracked it down, put it on. Man, what are you doing here? Blows again. He runs. He repeats. The third time so it happens three times.”

“Mike Tyson told me to never speak bad about myself because my conscious doesn't my subconscious doesn't know whether I'm joking or not. Yeah, I think he heard that from fucking Bruce Lee, though. I'm not gonna lie. I heard Bruce Lee say that on some shit recently. There's something true to that, for sure.”

“One thing that was, in hindsight, a blessing about that experience was that I kinda got to be like, you got a level of popularity there, but you didn't have any money. So you had no, the only way you could get any like, kind of you had to keep going back to them if you wanted something else. I realized at that time that being popular was cool, but there wasn't, like, a ton of value to it. For years, I kinda thought, like, oh, is this cool thing? But then I was, like, well, what is it for?”

“In current Internet slang gooning is a form of marathon masturbation and porn consumption where someone stays aroused for a long time. Well, just the levels they're going to for it. Solo means nonpartnered, porn driven off your multiple tabs, niche content, things on loop. When people say goon together, it's typically referred to as a group gooning or participating in a goon session. Communal gooning, often organized via online communities like Discord, Reddit, and adult platforms.”

“Being a minority is kind of like having in a wager as you can never take off. I'm sure people Americans and the white Americans have been to, say, you're a Rams fan and then you go to a Seahawks game in your Rams jersey. You're gonna get some flack, but you're still you. You're still Doug. You're Doug from accounting, and they're spitting on you. And you go, no. I just happen to be wearing this. I can't take it off. It's bolted on.”

“Out of all the fraud that's existing in that city, all the waste that they've showed, that is one thing you should fucking pay people for because the job sucks. And it's super necessary. You fucking have to pick up the garbage goddamn it. Pay those fucking people. And for people to go, oh, it's an unskilled job. That's a backbreaking job. You're slinging around bags all day and picking up cans and yanking on levers. It's also dangerous. You're hanging off the back of the truck sometimes.”

“Kill Tony, which is, like, this awesome platform for them. There's so many people that came in. It gives people legit opportunity to get on stage and either to get on YouTube or to get on Netflix in front of the whole fucking world, and it could make your career. Comedians see there's a path. All I have to do is, like, keep doing open mics, put together an act, start getting a little road work, do Kill Tony, and then next thing you know, I'm headlining on the road. You could really make a living and have a real career in comedy.”