WATCH SPECIAL

“It is of the clay tournaments. It generally reads as the slowest. It's windy and it is slow. The ball is going to lose a ton of energy on the court surface. And the real sort of natural clay quarters, especially because there's less time for the less natural players to even make that adjustment and to get comfortable again on the dirt, the real natural clay quarters are usually going to do pretty well at this tournament.”

“So we we get lunch, you know, before the shows and we park on the outskirts. There's this heavyset guy. He's like, what the fuck? Theo Von? Can I get a picture? You're like, sure thing, man. Just, we're running a little late if you can keep up with us, and we'll get that selfie. So he gets up to you, and the wind just blows his hat off. It blew probably 60 feet. He tracked it down, put it on. Man, what are you doing here? Blows again. He runs. He repeats. The third time so it happens three times.”

“I also want to say before we go quarter by quarter, this is a pretty significantly weakened field based on just withdrawal. So I'm going to go down the list right now. It's Djokovic, Fritz, Draper, Davidovic, Vakina, Feis, Munnar, Korda. And then a few Americans didn't sign up. Shelton, Tommy, Paul, a couple others. So, there are plenty of players who you would normally expect to see in a Masters 1000 tournament that we will not be seeing.”

“Being a minority is kind of like having in a wager as you can never take off. I'm sure people Americans and the white Americans have been to, say, you're a Rams fan and then you go to a Seahawks game in your Rams jersey. You're gonna get some flack, but you're still you. You're still Doug. You're Doug from accounting, and they're spitting on you. And you go, no. I just happen to be wearing this. I can't take it off. It's bolted on.”

“One thing that... Because I listen to it a lot too, because sometimes you're listening and you're like, this is insane. This is crazy. And he would always, always treat the guest with deference, you know, respect. And I, that must have been, because there were things that were, you know, if you go back to all the episodes, that were kind of contradictory.”

“Rogan is so awesome. He's afforded me a career, like, so many of our peers owe so much to him. He'll still text us back. It's crazy. Like, I'll text him and then even to book his show, he's like, how does he does it? He doesn't I mean, not to call you. I mean, you have a producer. It's fine to get everybody else that's producers. Rogan is like, hey. How's this day sound?”

“The Crazy Horse Memorial is a mountain Monument under construction on privately held land in the Black Hills in Custer County, South Dakota. Henry Standing Bear, a Lakota chief, recruited and commissioned Polish American sculptor, Korczak Ziolkowski, to build the Crazy Horse Memorial. In 1939, Henry Standing Bear wrote to the Polish American sculptor who worked on Mount Rushmore. He informed the sculptor, my fellow chiefs and I would like the white man to know that the red man has great heroes too.”

“I got a hair transplant and it was useless. I did a joke about it. I go, having a hair transplant is like taking people that are healthy and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying. This is just like, where did Bob go? He just fucking flew off the face of the earth.”

“Today’s fiercest battles are often for talent, not market share.”

“What's mind blowing too is these guys that I just thought were titans of comedy and could do no wrong and were blowing my mind to learn as you get older that they were afraid of being fired week to week on SNL. To hear Spade talk about that or Norm would talk about, oh, yeah. We thought we're gonna get or even Sandler. They thought about firing Sandler. That they were having self doubt like that during what I thought was just the pinnacle and peak of comedy.”

“every time you think Medvidev was done with that racket, he gave it just one more good lashing. It was phenomenal. You know, broke it at the baseline, then throws it, then he kind of walks a couple steps, the crowd gets into it, he throws it again, he keeps hitting it. It's pretty impressive how mangled that racket was and like it still had some left in it for like the seventh time. He cocked back and just smashed it into the ground. And I respect it. I respect the hell out of it as a guy that broke one or two rackets during his career.”

“The ultimate gift one was back in the day, Stevie, I don't think you played this tournament, Indianapolis for a long time. It was called the RCA Championships. And RCA was like, it was like Radio Shack. It was like an electronics company and you used to get I played John you probably played it one or two times. But you would get like if you won your first round on top of prize money you get like a VCR. If you won your second round it'd be like a TV. Third round be like a camcorder and like the gifts like got substantially better the the long the more rounds you would win at the tournament.”

“I had booked this MTV show, and they needed me for three months. I didn't even want to quit. I just wanted to do a leave of absence. I'm like, can I come back after three months? And they're like, no. You can't take that much time off. And then I read that you can only collect unemployment if they fire you. So then I sent an email. I go, I will be leaving on this day, and I plan on returning this day. And then I just left the office. I wouldn't answer their calls or emails. I was just waiting for them to terminate me.”

“I wonder if they could find knowing what we know now, like, I wonder if they could find, like, a connection between the developers or the ones starting the fires. Because that's what you start to realize in the world. It's like, yeah. If there's a crazy app that comes out that helps solve a problem, the other side of the makers of the app sometimes are they're in conjunction with the people making the problem.”

“Today’s fiercest battles are often for talent, not market share.”

“One thing that was, in hindsight, a blessing about that experience was that I kinda got to be like, you got a level of popularity there, but you didn't have any money. So you had no, the only way you could get any like, kind of you had to keep going back to them if you wanted something else. I realized at that time that being popular was cool, but there wasn't, like, a ton of value to it. For years, I kinda thought, like, oh, is this cool thing? But then I was, like, well, what is it for?”

“Maybe he was playing you, John. There was like that awkward video where Delotra won DC and he like couldn't take the watch because he was a Rolex guy and like the there was like, you know, you got you got you got handed like a citizen or or something like it was a nice watch, but he goes he goes, "I'm a Rolex guy. Like I cannot accept this. And it was like kind of awkward. They're like trying to hand it to him. It's like a tournament sponsor. And he's like, "No."”

“And then basically midway through Indian Wells, the app stopped working and I have not heard from them. So this is where my information on what's going on is very limited. I don't know what happened, but I think it's safe to assume Bulkie is not going to be a thing. I hope everyone's okay over there. More likely than not, they probably just axed the project and they haven't been communicative with me.”

“I should have done it a long time ago. It's so much better and I don't have to talk to a barber. I don't have to listen to boring stories while they hold you hostage with a pair of scissors.”

“We've all got friends like this. We've all got that guy. You got to just Yeah, you can't do if it's annoying you, you can't be around him. Like, you can't stop doing what you want to do. That's ridiculous. You got to live your life and that's it. No, there's an underlying issue. You can sense it. Like you got to pull the plug on this guy.”

“I like my chances against Rod Lever. What's Rod going to do with your slice? He'll probably actually hit it for a winner, dude. No way, man. Like, no way. You give you give you give Rod Lever uh modern technology. He's chopping you up. You insane.”

“In current Internet slang gooning is a form of marathon masturbation and porn consumption where someone stays aroused for a long time. Well, just the levels they're going to for it. Solo means nonpartnered, porn driven off your multiple tabs, niche content, things on loop. When people say goon together, it's typically referred to as a group gooning or participating in a goon session. Communal gooning, often organized via online communities like Discord, Reddit, and adult platforms.”

“I think it's also important the results do not matter in the 14 matters. They just flat out don't matter. It's like making good grades in fifth grade colleges don't look at that anyways.”

“Guys that use air fresheners. Those are the guys that wear extra cologne at the club, right? That's the air freshener guy. They drive a BMW 3 series and they think it's like a massive flex. They're they're probably got some Italian heritage. This is the guy that has air freshener dangling from the thing. Only they only do upper body at the gym. No air freshener guy has ever done legs at a gym, right? Only upper body. Probably hit the spray tan every now and then. You know what they do? They tuck the t-shirt.”

“I think too much too soon could be can be a kiss of death for for a kid. And I think it's pretty clear, I think we all agree that kids should not specialize in tennis in my mind till about 13 or 14 at the earliest. Like, and that I mean, you're still playing a lot of tennis, but you're also playing a lot, you know, other sports. At that age, you have limitless energy. So, don't spend five hours a day on tennis. Spend an hour and a half on tennis and an hour and a half on basketball or baseball, whatever it may be.”

“everyone remembers um for when Roger played Stad in Switzerland. He never played that tournament that much. I forget the circumstances as to why he played. Maybe he lost early at Wimbledon like one time, but whatever. He played the clay court event in Stad and the tournament gifted him a beautiful cow. That's that's that's better than any car honestly. And there's this awesome photo of Roger with the cow. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? Like, should I start milking the cow right now?”

“At the bar, there's a TV. And as you walk towards it, it's playing... It's like staticky until you get closer to it. And then as your character gets closer to it, it's Art Bell talking about aliens and stuff. And I know I'm not doing it justice, but it was such a cool, smart idea.”

“I want to pick from the section with Tiafoe and Bublik because as far as which unseated player is most likely to make a deep run, it's going to probably be out of that section. And then you have a very close on-paper matchup against Martan Fucovic, who actually beat Tabilo in Bucharest in 2024. But I just feel like Fucovic will have a lot of trouble hunting forehands against Tabilo's lefty precision. And I like the way Tabilo is playing overall. And to me, he's just easily the most dangerous unseated player in that particular section.”

“Legendary one. 2012 Australian Open. Marcos Baghdadis where he just sat on the bench and took every racket out. Remember some of them he didn't even take out of the bench. Still in the rapper.”

“One time, Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson, they went out together, like, just all they were going out on the town. And Michael had a bunch of chicks with him. Michael Jackson had a bunch of chicks with him. And Tyson was like, hey, which one of these girls is with you just so in case I'm flirting with one or whatever. And Michael Jackson told him, they're all with me. Get your own bitches. That's what he told him.”

“Mine is just... You know, I don't like shaving. I only gain weight in two places. Stomach, and right here. And also I have a kind of a thin frame. So it's really not attractive. It's more laziness. I don't have to worry about it.”

“The funny thing is this week, coincidentally, the ATP has launched its own fantasy tennis game. I was not a genius for the last three years thinking that this is something that should get done. And I've even reached out to other podcasts and I've been like, hey, can we do this together? Well, the ATP, they have made a move here. So for now, let's just do that. I have signed up. I have made a league. It's called Monday Match Analysis.”