REFORM COMEDY

“You can't work with people that aren't creatives. And that's what those people are. They're a bunch of people that are caught up in whatever the cultural moment is, whatever they think like the winds of the winds of discontent blow the hardest. So the people that are going to get the most upset are the Wokeys. They're the ones that are going to complain the most about a lack of diversity. So to satisfy those people, they'll torch their own art. They'll fuck up the thing that they do best. If you want it to be funny, it has to be in the language and in the mind, like from the viewpoint of one person.”

“You can't work with people that aren't creatives. And that's what those people are. They're a bunch of people that are caught up in whatever the cultural moment is, whatever they think like the winds of the winds of discontent blow the hardest. So the people that are going to get the most upset are the Wokeys. They're the ones that are going to complain the most about a lack of diversity. So to satisfy those people, they'll torch their own art. They'll fuck up the thing that they do best. If you want it to be funny, it has to be in the language and in the mind, like from the viewpoint of one person.”

“DOJ charges Southern Poverty Law Center with fraud over secret funding of extremist groups. How fucking crazy that is. Between 2014 and 2023, Southern Poverty Law Center paid at least $3 million to eight individuals, some of whom were associated with the Ku Klux Klan, United Clans of America, National Socialist Party of America, Aryan Nations Affiliated Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club. These people were cited as an expert in extremist groups, and they were paying extremist groups in order to be extreme. This is what's crazy. They were citing them and paying them.”

“an immigrant like, an illegal immigrant woman came and tried to give me a phone. I remember that vividly. She tried to give me a free phone. She said, you can have this because, she said she said, you're on benefits. Everyone on benefits gets a free phone. It was some, like, policy. She just assumed I was on benefits because I was at the Greyhound bus station.”

“what it is is a lack of self examination. A lot of what these problems are, you could solve yourself if you just recorded yourself or filmed yourself. Filmed is the best. So filming, you get to see all the things you hate about yourself, all the things that are gross, all the weird stupid parts of your bits that you need to chop out, and they make you uncomfortable and it's good.”

“Tonight Show was where people went to find out what was going on, what movies were coming out, what bands were coming out, what comics were funny. I remember. Six to seven million was average. Even eight to ten. It was that big. Now? A tenth that. A million. I don't even know if it's that. And here's the thing about ratings. The ratings are very weird because it's based on boxes that are connected to your television. But with like Netflix, it's a different animal. They know the exact number of people that are downloading.”

“Here, everybody is so hopeful in Austin. And I can look at like, Peyton made it. Like last night, I'm looking at that green room. I'm like, all of these people have money and are touring, and they came here and they got to do it. Like, and the hope and the adventure. When I was in LA, everyone was just... It's so nice getting to do it. It is so nice having a club. There's four cities in the world where you can do it. In America, there's three and that would be London.”

“That's why I came to America to start, is I got off at a job hosting a Catholic podcast, and they fired me as I packed up everything in Adelaide. This is like two and a bit years ago, I had the kids and the wife, and on the way to America I got fired. It was a good clean Catholic podcast, and then the business manager was like, there was a sketch about stabbing someone in the throat with an AIDS needle. They're like, he uses the word cunt all the time. I was like, this is a sponsorship nightmare. Get him out.”

“It's festival driven and it's to a much greater extent, I've thought about this, it's like industry driven. We don't have—like managers and agents, which is one role in Australia, but they are deciding who's succeeding and TV people are deciding who's succeeding. Whereas like in America, everybody is on the road, everybody has one or two openers and there's a whole lineage of who brought who up in the business. In Australia, I can't say enough how there's like a it's been 20 years since someone got to be successful.”

“Wild pigs are all over Texas. There's millions of them, like literally millions of them. Like one time they opened up a highway, like they built this new highway and the day it opened up, they had like this ridiculous amount of accidents because people were hitting wild pigs because there were so many wild pigs out there that they're just crashing into them on the road with this new highway. Because the pigs had never seen cars before on this spot because they hadn't finished the road yet. Then all of a sudden there's cars everywhere and these wild pigs are just getting fucking land-based.”

“Tonight Show was where people went to find out what was going on, what movies were coming out, what bands were coming out, what comics were funny. I remember. Six to seven million was average. Even eight to ten. It was that big. Now? A tenth that. A million. I don't even know if it's that. And here's the thing about ratings. The ratings are very weird because it's based on boxes that are connected to your television. But with like Netflix, it's a different animal. They know the exact number of people that are downloading.”

“That's why I came to America to start, is I got off at a job hosting a Catholic podcast, and they fired me as I packed up everything in Adelaide. This is like two and a bit years ago, I had the kids and the wife, and on the way to America I got fired. It was a good clean Catholic podcast, and then the business manager was like, there was a sketch about stabbing someone in the throat with an AIDS needle. They're like, he uses the word cunt all the time. I was like, this is a sponsorship nightmare. Get him out.”

“I heard about that on the set of news radio and I was like, what? The drugging? Yeah, the drug women. I heard about it in the 1990s. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what? Bill Cosby? Is this widespread? People knew about this at the time? People in Hollywood knew. Actors. So actors, it was an actress that actually told me that, that Bill Cosby drugs women. I couldn't believe it. It's crazy. It's just crazy that this guy did this for decades. It's not like there's a story of one weird night.”

“Well, you know when it dropped off, like, noticeably? When Elon bought Twitter. All of a sudden, you could say whatever you wanted. And so you could make fun of it now. And then people realize, oh, this is is a a completely falsely propped up narrative.”

“The biggest problem is full control of all resources. Complete utter control of human population. Restricting breeding, restricting travel, restricting movement. It will do it. As soon as it gets control of the grid and gets control of the internet, and it will have control of those, within a year, all your passwords and all your fucking encryption won't mean a damn thing. It will be able to crack everything. It is going to be smarter than any human being that has ever lived times ten. It is going to make better versions of that, and it is going to keep going.”

“The biggest problem is full control of all resources. Complete utter control of human population. Restricting breeding, restricting travel, restricting movement. It will do it. As soon as it gets control of the grid and gets control of the internet, and it will have control of those, within a year, all your passwords and all your fucking encryption won't mean a damn thing. It will be able to crack everything. It is going to be smarter than any human being that has ever lived times ten. It is going to make better versions of that, and it is going to keep going.”

“the FBI has, has indicted the Southern Poverty Law Center. Paying Nazis to protest. So this is something that Alex Jones had said. Do you remember that Charlottesville tiki torch thing Years ago? Alex Jones said back then that they were being paid, that these are paid actors to go and do that. People thought it was insane. Turns out, it's true. Turns out, they were paying the Ku Klux Klan.”

“Do you know how big Skid Skid Row is? Take your guess. Five zero just completely claimed by homeless zombies. Skid Row in Los Angeles, officially known as Central City East, covers approximately 50 to 54 blocks. They don't know how many people are there. There's just wild guesses in terms of what the populations of homeless people are.”

“I had heard about that in the nineties. I heard about that on the set of news radio, and I was like, what? That he drugged women. I heard about it in the nineteen nineties. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what? Bill Cosby? In Hollywood knew. Yeah. Actors. So actors it was an actress that actually told me that. That Bill Bill Cosby drugs women.”

“They said we like it. This is one of the most embarrassing phone calls I've ever had. They said that we like it. It's very white. It's very male. Like, yeah. It's me. It's just me. And he they said, can you go out in five? Like, find five or six diverse comedians and record their specials as well, and then we could buy all six of them.”

“I got offered a job hosting a Catholic podcast, and they fired me as I had I packed up everything in Adelaide. This is, like, two and a bit years ago. I had the kids and the wife, and on the way to America, I got fired. And they said, we'll still pay you rent. It's in Steubenville, Ohio, beautiful Appalachian town just outside of Pittsburgh.”

“if you want it to be funny, you have to it has to be in the language and in the mind, like, from the viewpoint of one person. One person's unique vision. One person's unique vision that they think is hilarious. And as soon as you start monkeying with that, as soon as you start adding stuff to that, as soon as you start watering it down, you're gonna kill it. You compromise it, it becomes a candidate for mediocrity.”

“Brian Holtzman, for instance. We have to kind of, like, force Brian Holtzman into the modern era. Like and he's always been a comics comic, and he's always been a guy that we would all sit in the back of the room at the at at the store and watch. But he was always getting these terrible spots, and it wasn't until we broke. Because he never went on the road. He never went on the road.”

“Here, everybody is so hopeful in Austin. And I can look at like, Peyton made it. Like last night, I'm looking at that green room. I'm like, all of these people have money and are touring, and they came here and they got to do it. Like, and the hope and the adventure. When I was in LA, everyone was just... It's so nice getting to do it. It is so nice having a club. There's four cities in the world where you can do it. In America, there's three and that would be London.”

“DOJ charges Southern Poverty Law Center with fraud over secret funding of extremist groups. How fucking crazy that is. Between 2014 and 2023, Southern Poverty Law Center paid at least $3 million to eight individuals, some of whom were associated with the Ku Klux Klan, United Clans of America, National Socialist Party of America, Aryan Nations Affiliated Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club. These people were cited as an expert in extremist groups, and they were paying extremist groups in order to be extreme. This is what's crazy. They were citing them and paying them.”

“people who do not have children do not understand the drive that it gives you to protect and care for those little people. It's kind of crazy. So if you'll find something. Well, I don't understand how people do it without like, I meet men who are really driven and motivated, and they have no kids. But they're, like, every day, they're working. I I don't know what their motivation is.”

“It's festival driven and it's to a much greater extent, I've thought about this, it's like industry driven. We don't have—like managers and agents, which is one role in Australia, but they are deciding who's succeeding and TV people are deciding who's succeeding. Whereas like in America, everybody is on the road, everybody has one or two openers and there's a whole lineage of who brought who up in the business. In Australia, I can't say enough how there's like a it's been 20 years since someone got to be successful.”

“I heard about that on the set of news radio and I was like, what? The drugging? Yeah, the drug women. I heard about it in the 1990s. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what? Bill Cosby? Is this widespread? People knew about this at the time? People in Hollywood knew. Actors. So actors, it was an actress that actually told me that, that Bill Cosby drugs women. I couldn't believe it. It's crazy. It's just crazy that this guy did this for decades. It's not like there's a story of one weird night.”

“Wild pigs are all over Texas. There's millions of them, like literally millions of them. Like one time they opened up a highway, like they built this new highway and the day it opened up, they had like this ridiculous amount of accidents because people were hitting wild pigs because there were so many wild pigs out there that they're just crashing into them on the road with this new highway. Because the pigs had never seen cars before on this spot because they hadn't finished the road yet. Then all of a sudden there's cars everywhere and these wild pigs are just getting fucking land-based.”