EAT REAL FOOD

“I've vacationed in Italy a bunch of times and have gone to these little small towns. These thin people, and they're eating bread. They're eating bread and pasta and fucking... and they're not fat. I went to Italy twice and they smoke cigarettes and they live to be a hundred. We are being poisoned. 100%.”

“And then they realized, oh no, this is what they do. They go deep into the woods in public land and they set up a grow-op and they got fucking AKs and they got, you know, the Virgin Mary photos that they pray to at night. It's crazy. Like full on campsites filled with cartel dudes, they started turning into a tactical team. So this guy had to get Belgian Malinois and bulletproof vests and they're getting shootouts with the cartels in the middle of the woods.”

“That's why people got to chill on things that they think suck, because it's just not for you, man. And that's okay. Spending all your time dwelling on things that aren't for you is so crazy. It's such a waste of time.”

“Thank you, Talios from Asapiko Park in Mineola. I have my own Serra slice. It's the best fucking, it'll knock your dick off. It's the best slice. I put it up against any slice that you could give me. Caputo flour from Italy. No bromate, no preservatives. Sicilian oregano. We have some beautiful fiordilate fresh mozzarella. Just wait for the fucking pesto.”

“And they're using all these crazy pesticides and herbs that are totally illegal, fucking super toxic shit, shit that's outlawed on farms in America, but it's effective. And so they're using it. So you're getting this weed that's infected with these pesticides and herbs. There's no rules, man. It's illegal weed. If they had it legal, you could have inspectors who could check the farms and the factories.”

“The internet and social media became a thing where we gave everyone a voice. Everyone has to have an opinion. Nobody wants to admit they're wrong. And they have to have a hot take. Everything that happens within minutes. Not even a moment to let me reflect.”

“I performed to half-sold-out comedy clubs. You know how much more nerve-racking it is to make eye contact with your fans that are disappointed that they're in a half-sold-out room? That 20,000 people that are just there to be like, Shane! I would way rather perform to 20,000 people than 100.”

“Some of them I think it's lame because I think I know them. Like I'm friends with them. And they're like using me to get clout. Like if you really had a problem with me, you could just text me, you know, if you really felt like I was an anti-vaxxer and I was endangering people's lives.”

“It would take the place of so many different pharmaceutical drugs, and that's a big part of the problem. The other part of the problem is the alcohol industry. They've done studies. They know. They lobby. They work on it hard. They do not want marijuana becoming legalized in the whole nation. Alcohol is way worse. Way worse.”

“For 13 fucking years, alcohol was illegal in this country. You know how crazy that is, a grown man telling you you can't have a drink? It's exactly the same thing. We're just delusional about it. And we put it under the label drug, which is alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, dummy. It's a drug. There's a lot of drugs. Caffeine is a drug.”