#2491 - Brian Simpson

“I had a heart attack three months ago. Yeah. Super Bowl weekend. In Atlanta. Yeah. Out of nowhere. Well, was it really out of nowhere? Not really.”

“The doctor that first saw me was like, hey. I'm Doug, and don't don't worry about anything. I'm a be with you the whole time. And then maybe twenty minutes later, they they wheeling me in. And I'm like, hey. Where the fuck is Doug? And they're like, who's Doug? I was like, he's he promised me that he wasn't gonna leave. I've I've I've fake made a big deal of the fact that I felt abandoned by Doug, and she didn't think it was funny. But somebody did, and that's all I needed was the laugh. I'm like, it's you, bitch. It's not me. You're the problem. You're too serious in here.”

“Marshall swallowed a bunch of rocks. We, someone spilled chicken food on the gravel, and he ate all the chicken food then just kept eating and started eating gravel. He's the sweetest sweetest dog that's ever walked to face the earth, but he is not clever. And then he starts throwing up, and he's throwing up rocks, like, little pebbles. And then he starts getting diarrhea, and he's diarrhea and pebbles. He ate pounds of gravel. It wasn't like a small amount of gravel.”

“That used to be a wolf. That's what's so fucked up about human beings. We took something that's the most clever, most they they communicate with each other. They plan traps on animals. They're so clever. You can't and also, you can't train them. You know that about wolves? You can't train them. That's why you don't see wolves in the fucking circus. You could train a bear. You could train a lion. You could train a tiger. Wolves just go fuck you.”

“There's a great book on it called Coyote America. It's all about how coyotes what happens is, when they yell out, they're doing like a roll call. And when they're doing a roll call, they're letting all the other coyotes know that they're there. And when one of them is missing, the female coyotes assume that that coyote is dead, and so their body responds by making a larger litter. So they'll have more babies if someone's missing.”

“Florida, they have a serious snake problem now. They made robot rabbits. They put them in these boxes, and they they've they've generated fake body heat and the scent of rabbits. And it did attract it did pull the snakes, but it pulled everything else too. One of the nerds, as they were about to shut the whole fucking thing down, he noticed in the data. They plugged it into AI, and the AI did this whole fucking map of all the data. And they found out that the animals have, like, highways. So it's not that the snakes were in random places. The snakes and the alligators were using these these highways that only they could smell of of, like, the quickest ways to get through the Everglades.”

“Did you see Ilhan Omar? She's reading off of a script. She's the woman who's a congresswoman from Minnesota, from Minneapolis. So she's reading off this script. And you know how people write World War two and they use, like, I I for two? She reads it as World War eleven.”

“Let's say if I started a JRE coin and maybe some Middle Eastern government decided they're gonna invest $500,000,000 in a JRE coin and then I announce the JRE coin. I get a substantial stake in the JRE coin. So I get a bunch of JRE coins and then I just dump all my JRE coins and then it goes from being worth x amount of dollars to being worth almost nothing. So that'd be a way I'd pay you. I will invest in your crypto coin, which is a very legal venture. So you get out as soon as it hits the peak. I didn't expect to get any money. I'm just trying to bribe you.”

“This guy in Florida, Michael Martin, he made an addition to his house, a million dollar addition to his house. He it got approved by the city and everything. And after he put it up, his neighbors complained. And his argument is, well, it got approved by the city. But he compromised already. He put up a thing to block his view so it wouldn't bother them. And that wasn't good enough for them. So then the judge ended up ordering him to tear it all down. And he refused, and now he's still in jail right now for contempt of court.”

“The Beatles talks about how they got this gig in Hamburg, Germany, where they were performing every fucking day. They were doing multiple sets every day, and they did it for, like, a few years. And they went back to Liverpool, and everybody's like, what the fuck happened with you guys? How did you get so good? And they got so good because they were just performing all the time. They were just getting their reps, like crazy reps. And I think that's the key to, like, almost anything.”

“You know there's a new syphilis? The dude had two he had two syphilis. Two different ones. And they like, the same way that COVID was going through genetic recombination. They were exchanging traits inside his body. And then a bunch of old ladies kept going to the ER, and they all kept describing the same man. He went to the ER because whatever strain he has, it just causes you to go blind super quickly. There's debate about whether he knew he was purposely spreading it because they told him, yeah. You gotta come back. He just kept fucking and didn't go back.”