Gary Faust (comedian/writer)

“There was a Roman chariot racer who allegedly made over $1,000,000,000. Correct. Gaius Apuleius Diocles. So Michael Jordan has earned 1,800,000,000. Tiger Woods, 1,700,000,000. Arnold Palmer, 1,400,000,000. Jack Nicklaus, 1,200,000,000. 15 Yeah. Billion dollars Wow. In today's money.”

“Mainstream media in particular, this is it's almost like they have the highest value audience in the world because nobody I know listens to mainstream media, and that's kind of part of the joke except Donald Trump, except Keir Starmer, except Macron. And likewise, in number 10, the amount of reactionary time just goes to what's on the headlines that nobody's reading really apart from a few geriatric 65 year olds. Therefore, there's still it's kind of weirdly underpriced.”

“The hardest to get off of was Kratom. And then he knew so much. At six in the morning, the Sunrise Mini Mart on whatever fucking South Lamar Street or something. Outside, like, waiting, like, waiting for this. And then this company had taken the kratom content without changing the bottling from five grams of whole leaf to two and a half, and he knew. And as soon as he had it, he was like, my fucking kratom's been stepped on.”

“The thing that it did for me, I didn't learn a tremendous amount that I didn't already know through experience, but it made all of my preferences feel way more legitimate. Because I'm like, oh, this is why I like deep house music because it's quite calming. Imagine that you know nothing about me. Erase all of the information that you have exclusively based on my DNA genetic test. What sort of a person am I? And it comes back and it is fucking banger.”

“There is a woman who does Uber Eats and has started including photos of her feet in the picture of the food drop off, and her tips have gone up by a ton. Perfectly fine feet, but did not realize that this would blow up. And this is the only fans pipeline. Like, as soon as you post something and start to get free money for it, you're like, well, if I put my Cash App in here. This is the fucking Uber Eats only fans pipeline that no one is talking about.”

“The Strait Of Hormuz is blocked, and there's the war part of it, but then there's the financial part of it. So this guy has this idea, high agency story here for you. One of the guys in the office is like, what if I just go? He's like, what if I just go to the straight and I'll just count the boats? And he realized that the all the mainstream media was reporting that the straight was closed. He's like, dude, I'm here. I see them going through. It's not fully closed.”

“When I was in college in Santa Barbara, my buddy and I were absolutely hammered. Somebody called the police, and we just hear Santa Barbara police open up. And he looks at me, and he's like, dude, get naked. So we get butt naked. The cops come grab me. They realized that we were two gay dudes in an argument. So we faked a homosexual domestic violence situation. Years later, I find out from this guy, Jack Kuraku, CIA dude, that this is like an old CIA strategy that they employ all the time.”

“Sam Bankman Fried put investment in Anthropic, that owns Claude. It's like $60,000,000,000. FTX at its peak was 30. Had they have held the FTX position in Anthropic simply for thousand more days, that would have cleared off everybody's debts. Everybody would have got their money back. When they did the bankruptcy, they take all these illiquid shares, and they sell them at this huge discount right away into the market. They sold the whole lot for, like, a billion dollars.”

“Momentum is more important than talent for the most part. We can let a lot of people get away with some pretty gnarly shit if it seems like they're crushing it. Kanye West just sold out SoFi Stadium 2 Nights. He hasn't exactly showered himself in glory over the last five years. But homeboy's got bangers. If you've got bangers, dude, it's all forgiven. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“My favorite, the guy who set himself on fire to protest the Vietnam War, the monk who set himself on fire who just literally walks out, sits in Lotus position, sets himself on fire, doesn't blink or fidget. His heart didn't set on fire. His whole body went to crisp, but his heart was still there. In the cremation period, they tried to cremate his heart, and it refused to burn. As soon as I see this, any of my questions around what the human mind is capable of, goes out the window.”

“Did you see this Allbirds pivot? Allbirds, which was like a popular shoe amongst tech guys. The stock had been falling, falling, falling. So these guys bought it, and they just pivoted to AI. They're like, well, we raised all this debt. We're gonna buy GPUs and sell them. The shoe company had a market cap of 21,000,000 on Tuesday, which climbed to a 148,000,000 on Wednesday just by saying, we do AI. One day price move is 582%.”